Most probably I’ll regret ever writing this blog, but what the heck. I already have way too many regrets, guess one more won’t hurt. When I woke up today I was full of energy and optimism (something quite unusual for me), but by the end of the day I was a total train wreck. Have no idea what happened.
Let’s start from the beginning. My name is Ivan. I’m 22. Male. Just average looking. Nothing special. I’ve never been part of the cool crowd. Guess I’ve always been a little bit strange and weird. Had one quirk too many :) :) People kept their distance from me. I was always the cynic and pessimist (if you ask me I was the voice of reason, but the others didn’t perceive it that way). Even my 7th grade teacher told me once "Ivan, your essays are way too nihilistic". For Heaven’s sake, one should never tell a 13-year-old kid that he/she is nihilistic.
The people who got to know me better found out that I wasn’t that bad. A little bit too cynical from time to time, but a great friend nevertheless. I go out of my way for the people I care. And even for the ones I don’t. Guess that’s one of my biggest flaws.
I’ve made many mistakes in my short life, but the biggest one has to be coming to Shanghai. First of all, I never did like Chinese. Hated it from the moment I started studying it. Chinese doesn’t have the beauty of English or the roughness of German. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great language. It’s simply not for me. Why I chose to study Chinese, I will never know. You have to know one more thing about me. Even if I hate something, I’ll still do it. And I would do it relatively well. One has to wonder how well I would do something that I really like :) :)
Long story short, I ended up in Shanghai. Actually, I don’t know how to go on. Cuz I am having these ambivalent feelings about it. Love it and hate it at the same time. Love the city itself, hate everything else - the people and everything it stands for. I know this sounds paradoxical and makes totally no sense, but it’s the complete truth.
Once somebody told me that Shanghai was exactly like New York. Never been there. Would love to go. However, I’ve always had this Sex and The City feel about New York. I can only tell you that if New York is anything like Shanghai, then it is definitely not worth going there. Shanghai lacks the ambiance of London, the calm of Barcelona, the sophistication of Paris or even the oriental feel of Istanbul. Shanghai is Shanghai. Love the skyscrapers, though. Hate the Pearl TV Tower. Really ugly if you ask me.
Been here almost 3 years. Don’t know if I can take it any more. China destroyed me. Shanghai changed me. And the worst part is that it didn’t change me for the better. And what’s even worse is that I know that I’ve changed. Most of my friends love it over here. They want to stay here. Too bad I am not like most of my friends.
Shanghai is simply not the city for me. I am finding it difficult to find my place over here. I don’t fit anywhere. And my face is starting to hurt from all the smiling. I could never find a common tongue with the Chinese. And what about the expats???? That’s a totally different story. Shanghai is full of characters. I’ve met so many people that I’ve lost count. Never could find one that intrigued me. People here walk with blinders on, having absolutely no idea what’s going on in the world.
And did I mention that I was born in Bulgaria. Apparently, that’s a major disadvantage over here. Guess I am not on the same level as all the other expats. Never could understand why when people find out where I am from, they start acting condescending and patronizing. Yeah, I know Bulgaria is a pretty crappy place. However, I am not a second-hand person. The facts are these - I simply didn’t have as many opportunities as the people that were born in Western Europe, America or Australia. If I had had the same opportunities, I would have been just like them. But I seriously doubt it if they had had the same opportunities as mine, that they would be where I am right now.
Guess there’s something seriously wrong with me. I’d say I’m sorry to disappoint everybody, but I am not. I excel at not giving a shit.

Well, firstly I would say that it is really a very nice blog. And in my humble opinion there is nothing wrong with you- lots of people do not like the place or the society they live in. You also say that you have been in Shanghai for almost 3 years and I have heard that people who have moved to a new country often need 3 years and something to adopt to the different atmosphere around them.So there is still time for you... Good luck!